Being an Authentic Woman in Big Corporate

So a little about myself… I am a survivor of horrific child abuse and during the years before we were taken by the State my sisters and I would do many things to keep each other “safe” and “sane”. One of our many mechanisms to keep our minds intact was to be EXTREMELY positive! Out of the three of us I probably used that the most — recreating the abuse into funny skits, making jokes as I comforted my older sister who sported 2 black eyes and selling stories of faith and success.

We felt powerless and were kept silent by a mother who had her own schemes of keeping the house and the money that our Step-dad had inherited from his mother. My step-dad would tell me I would never amount to anything and maybe that’s where I got my drive and ambition? Aydunno.

After years of study (I have 3 degrees), hustling to get the right jobs and forward planning my life with the ambition to be a “General Manager” or other Senior Manager I reached the heights of being a Regional Manager for large multi-nationals in the Space of Business Systems for Health Safety Quality and Risk.

You see, contrary to popular belief, my abuse didn’t make me distrustful or hard.

I didn’t keep myself at a distance , instead I would run full pelt toward my colleagues eager to connect on an authentic level and help in any way I could. It was that trust, faith and connection I was looking for.

I learnt how to prioritise my time and take on meaningful projects so it wasn’t as if I was doing everything for everybody. It was more that I had a “collaborative” spirit.

I was protective of my teams and felt that my job was to shield them of things that would disrupt their lives unnecessarily and I always approached my opportunities with an open mind.

I never judged anyone until an experience told me otherwise and I was very open about my thoughts and positioning. I never wanted my team to be unsure about their purpose, or what was happening around them and maybe that too stemmed from my experience as a powerless child who never knew what was going to happen from one moment to the next.

I was afraid that relinquishing that optimism would invite my PTSD to the party — so I steadfastly remained authentically myself. Friendly, Buoyant, Empathetic and a defender of my adopted family.

I knew my energy was a bit on the anime fan girl side. I didn’t want to change because to change meant that I would have to stuff my personality into a pre-moulded form that all of big corporate have. As much as they say they don’t… Well … they do. And this is inherited perceptions, built over generations of what a well honed “leader” looks like, pre-formed off the pioneers of male industry.

I remember a colleague of mine — a very bright accomplished woman — would wear dark pant suits, pull her hair into a severe low ponytail and wear little colour, effectively scrubbing any femininity from her appearance. And she knew exactly why she was doing it.

Women are great nurturers and leaders yet we limit our own worth by not demanding more, because it goes against our conditioning. Our boundaries get pushed and we just push forward, not back. We watch as our male counterparts get awarded larger pay packets and females who emulate “male qualities” get promoted. We all know this, studies have proven this but why do we continue to do these things to get “equal” footing?

After a time I became tired of being baffled by this, after all, we are in a progressive new world are we not?

I don’t know how many times I sat in an interview and said to the panel I am SUPER optimistic and their response would be “We definitely need some of that” … and in all honesty that probably should have been a red flag. A company that NEEDS optimism is probably suffering from a bit of depression.

So, I hoped off the train. I made my foray into consulting and coaching and have found more reciprocity there. I have every right to my boundaries as do my clients, and we are much more passionate about each others achievements and successes then those in Big Corporate. Now THAT is the family I want.

If you have had a similar experience I would love to hear your story too! Comment on this post — much love!